Mom Jean Confessions: Let’s Get Real

Last week I had started a draft for this blog post with a working title of “Happy Place.” Except a lot’s happened between now and then. As I laid awake after a much needed cry fest last night, the only thing I could think of was that it was time for me to “get real.” Too often we feel the pressures of putting on that happy face, even though we know well and good we are holding back tears or anxieties that eventually come to a head when we’re least expecting it. Last night was one of those times. I was preparing to give my son a bath just like any other night, but this night he insisted on having a “boo boo” that was going to hurt if he put his foot in the water. Oh dear. So for a solid five minutes (felt like 30) I tried every bribe in the book, until tears ensued and dad walked in asking buddy what’s wrong. To which I went off on a lightening speed explanation on why I’m so frustrated after trying to negotiate with a toddler for ten minutes, which results in said dad backing out of the bathroom slowly, very slowly.

We made it through bath time unscathed, barely, but I just couldn’t let it go. But what was it that I couldn’t let go of? Was it the fact that every time I can’t successfully communicate with my toddler it makes me feel like my thousands of dollars in student loans for that communication studies degree was a waste? Amusing thought, but no. As I laid down in bed and muttered “good night” to Grant, that’s when it hit me. I was scared. Scared that I was losing control. Not of my toddler, cuz seriously, the only person in control of a toddler – is a toddler. I was scared of losing control of this mom life that I had finally adjusted to and truly was in my “happy place” – all to have it thrown out the window three months from now with the arrival of a certain little lady. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this all happened just days before rounding out my six months of pregnancy. Or, the fact that we took Garrett to see Boss Baby earlier in the day (do I need to say spoiler alert for a kids movie? Ok, “spoiler alert”) – it’s the story of a sweet kid who loves being an only child and gets blindsided by the news of his parents having another baby. It shows them doing all the things they used to do with him, but now with the baby instead (p.s., the song “Blackbird” is officially ruined for me). Um, yeah, *trigger warning* much?

So as I start to whimper, my hubs realizes I’m crying and asks what’s wrong in the sweet and caring way he always does. I of course shrug my shoulders a few times, until I finally admit just how bad I feel for Garrett and for losing my patience with him. He reassures me that I’m not the only mom that happens to, and tells me not to worry about it because Garrett had completely forgotten it already. He’s right, he’s always right damnit. But for some reason, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I finally choked out that I was now afraid of how having this baby was going to change everything. He paused for a few seconds, and said “Right, but it will be a good change.” My husband may be a man of few words, but they’re the right words I always need to hear. He went on to tell me that he knows how much I love Garrett and how much he is the center of my world these days, and that sometimes it would be good for me to just let him do his thing without me needing to be there at his every beck and call. Yep, you guessed it. Right again. So a funny thing happened. The very next day I did just that. I decided to just let Garrett “be” and do whatever he wanted without me having to “mom so hard” as Grant endearingly calls it. I did the dishes, about seven loads of laundry, organized my closet and Grant’s, and the icing on the cake – took a freaking shower! All the while, Garrett used his imagination to play with his hot wheels, make music in his room, brush his teeth all by himself, and climb up onto the kitchen counter to steal candy (ok that last one I wasn’t crazy about, but I commended him for his ingenuity).

Now, as I sit down to reflect on all of it, I am finally starting to feel at peace. At peace that while nothing can prepare you for what it will be like bringing another child into this world – I know without a doubt that our little family will be more blessed than I can even imagine. At peace that it’s ok if I feel scared right now and questioning if I will be able to handle all that comes with the territory of a baby and a toddler in the house. I can’t think of a better support system than the one I have in my husband and family surrounding us, who would drop everything just to be there when I need them. So here goes nothing, or should I say everything…

photo cred: Marlo Carroll Photography

Shop the Look:

c/o Krisp Clothing (non-maternity), Navy Jersey Maxi Dress & Classic Hooded Parka Jacket

Anthropologie, Pam Hiran Waving Pennant Necklace (old, found here and here)

Dolce Vita from Nordstrom Rack, ‘Jasmyn’ Ghillie Sandal

 

 

New Year, New Us!

Now that my superstitious mind has waited long enough, I’m finally ready to announce the big news. I’m pregnant! Yep, the Murray’s will be welcoming another little tyke into our family August 1st (but I’m thinking it’s gonna be a July baby, given that Garrett came early and this one’s measuring a whole week bigger already!). Aaaand, wait for it – it’s aaaaaaa….GIRL!

We have waited what feels like forever (a year to be exact), to be blessed with another baby and the timing of it kinda blew both our minds. We found out the news a couple of days before Thanksgiving – a week before Grant started his new job and right before moving into our new house. I woke up super early and surprised a very groggy, half-asleep husband with two pink lines staring him in the face. We hugged and took a fuzzy selfie with our still asleep toddler, as I whispered to him “you have no idea how much your life is about to change.” Like all moms, I felt a sudden twinge of guilt and sadness for him. I knew he’d be so excited to be a big brother, but I also knew that having to get used to splitting his mommy-time with a baby will just be an adjustment that comes with the territory.

Then came the exciting part – telling family! I of course called my mom first, and she screamed, and cried, and said she knew I was going to have some news for her when she moved back to Houston. Moms seem to always know these things. Since we were spending Thanksgiving dinner at Grant’s sister’s house – I had this whole plan on how I wanted to tell them. We’d be sitting at the table, someone would say to going around and talk about what we’re thankful for, and I would drop the news on them. Er, not exactly. It went more like – I declined a glass of wine, Grant’s sister cornered me in the kitchen asking me if there was a “reason” I wasn’t drinking, and then shrieks ensued as I turned fifty shades of red.

Needless to say it’s been a pretty fun start to our 2017, and if you were paying attention in my 2016 recap, you might have picked up on the clues 😉 Since I’m excited to finally be able to reveal my quickly growing bump – we (and I use “we” very loosely) decided to commemorate our announcement with a family photo sesh. Baby girl is 13 weeks here, and I’m turning 15 weeks on Tuesday. Stay tuned for my next post after my 16-week check-up, and my thoughts on what went through my head when we found out we were having a girl. I promise there will be some cute bump style coming your way too!

{All photos by my sweet friend Marlo at Marlo Carroll Photography}

Shop the Look:

Marshalls, Lila Rose Bodycon Dress non-maternity (similar here, here and here)

Zara, Denim Jacket old/no longer available (similar here and here)

All Saints, Ankle boots old/no longer available (similar here, here and here)

Forever21, Chain Tassel Layered Choker

Mom Jean Confessions: Leap Year

Everyone knows 2016 was a crapshoot. I don’t think I know one single person who couldn’t wait for it to be over. So as I was mulling over just how to put into words what this year meant for us, it dawned on me – 2016 was a leap year. Now try and follow me here. A leap year, in both the literal and metaphorical sense, means to correct drift. So if you think about it – all 2016 was meant to do was get us back in synch and help us find our true North. I don’t know about you, but the older I get and the more complicated life is – it only seems harder and harder to follow my internal compass. But 2016 was a year for reflecting and looking inward, whether I wanted to or not. Many of you have read my initial recap of this year that I wrote back in Sept. Well a lot, and I mean A LOT, has happened since then.

In October, our son turned three. Which may not seem like such a huge deal – but suddenly all those warnings about “ohhh it’s not the terrible twos, it’s the terrible threes” – came true. Now I’m not one to go on and on about the injustices of motherhood, cuz quite frankly, it shouldn’t be news to anyone that being a parent is hard. And I chose it, so why whine about it, right? I simply must say that it truly is a humbling experience. I mean, how often in life do you get to be thrown into a completely new situation that comes with no real training (prenatal classes don’t count), and has no promise for what the end outcome will be? There’s no degree or diploma that a group of older moms gives to you after you complete two years of service. There’s only this wonderful, innocent, trusting individual that God has entrusted you with, and they are the only ones that truly govern the way life is from here on out. I don’t mean to sound like I let my child rule my life – I just mean to express just how one simple thing like turning a year older for them, impacts a whole family dynamic. It was like overnight we found ourselves in a whole new ball game. There would be times that we’d look at each other and think – is this normal, do we just let him get it out and see what tomorrow brings? And then other times it was like we were handed the ball with 10 seconds left in the game, and if we didn’t handle this the right way – that was the end of the season for us. But for the most part, what we’ve learned is balance. Balance between how we react (or don’t react in most cases), and teaching our son, who knows exactly what buttons to push to make both of our heads spin, how to balance his own emotions. It hasn’t been easy, trust us, but we’ll get there. Before we know it he’ll be turning another year older, bringing on a whole new set of challenges and victories.

In November, we closed on our first house. It was the fixer upper we’d been searching for, even ever since we lived in LA. Crazy how things happen, and this might be the craziest of all for us to date. Grant and his dad had been talking about fixing up and flipping houses for over a year now, but it wasn’t until a one-story HUD foreclosure in Clear Lake popped up on our radar that it become a reality. We contacted the local realtor who helped us place a bid online, and we waited nearly a week to find out that HUD accepted our offer but only as a back-up. Well for whatever reason, weeks go by and Grant decided to randomly look through the listings from that same realtor, and the house was back on the market. We still have no idea to this day what happened – did the other offer fall through, was there something majorly wrong with the house and they backed out? (we later learned that the latter hunch wasn’t that far off). Anyway, we put another bid on the house (even lower this time), and in HUD terms that I won’t bother to bore you with, they accepted. We pretty much couldn’t believe it – we were about to be homeowners. We, who have bounced around from apartment to apartment since college and since we met 12 years ago – were about to have the home we always dreamed about. But that’s about where the fairy tale ends. Not to sound ungrateful, because trust me we will forever be that. But if you have adopted as unhealthy of an addiction as we have to all the HGTV shows about flipping homes – you probably can guess what happened next. After days/weeks of sleuth-like investigating (and intel from some very insightful neighbors), we learned that the house hadn’t actually been lived in for six years. Um, what? Which meant that all the utility meters had been removed, which meant us calling around to the city of Houston, along with the local gas, electric, and water services to try and coordinate what could possibly be the residential gaggle of the century. The plumbing ended up not being as big of a deal as we thought, other than the fact that the pool had been neglected for six years and was now a veritable swamp that our neighbors informed us was like the frog plague before HUD came and boarded it up. What actually ended up baffling even “my father-in-law the hero” and 5+ electricians – was the wackodoo wiring that some apparent novice had installed throughout the house, causing lights in one room to switch off lights in a bathroom halfway down the hallway, and wires so crossed (literally) it took over a month to get it sorted out – and we’re still finding random issues. But alas, we’re all moved in and Garrett is loving the new house with all the space in the world to run around. We also lucked into the neighbors of the century who are the sweetest couple from Baylor (I think that’s as close to Chip and Joanna as we’re gonna get), and Garrett adores playing with their two little girls. The wife and I hit it off, and she’s even introduced me to her fellow mommy tribe, which as a new mom, you need more than anything. Our plan is to tackle the house project-by-project, which we happen to really be loving. It’s a good thing, cuz renovating an entire house while living in it is not for the faint at heart. I promise to get my act together and organize all my random before/after photos, so that I can start a series of blog posts for all you fixer upper lovers out there.

In November, Grant started a new job. The job, in fact. The job that he had more or less gone back to grad school for seven years ago. The job that inadvertently fell in his lap at the beginning of the year, and then got snatched away all too soon a few months later. The job that made us finally pull the trigger and move back to Houston, not knowing if it would actually one day lead to the job – but it did. Taking that leap was not easy for my husband or me, but after a whole summer of networking and countless conversations – he finally got a start date after Thanksgiving. I don’t have to tell you how the irony of that timing was not lost on us. We could not have been more thankful, and it didn’t take us long at all to settle into our new routine. As for my job front – I’m still trying to work through all the logistics of starting a new business. Cammeo Head to Toe Styling officially soft launched on the blog – you can check out the announcement here. I even ordered business cards and had my first closet makeover client with a couple more in the pipeline 🙂 Since I also want to leverage my digital marketing experience, but from a remote work environment – I’ve been talking with companies I’ve found through The Second Shift and PowerToFly about various opportunities. So stay tuned and keep your fingers crossed!

In the midst of toddler tantrums, house demands, and new routines – we are allowing ourselves a minute to pause and celebrate a very long year come to a close. While we may not have started out knowing it was going to be a “leap year”, I can’t possibly think of a better way to encompass all we’ve been through. We may have drifted, but our sails are set due North. Lord only knows what 2017 will bring…

Mom Jean Confessions: Dear Judgy Mom

Dear Judgy Mom at the park this morning,

I can see my son just offended you, and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that my son, who just turned three less than a month ago, and who you undoubtedly took one look at and mistakenly took him for a five year old, didn’t live up to your high standards. Because here’s the thing – he does look five. At first glance, if I were you, I too would have scoffed at his behavior – running up and pushing aside your son who had at least four years on him and who he thought was done on the swing set. And I’ve been known to tell a kid (much, much older than Garrett) to let him have his turn, but minus the incredibly rude tone saying that “my son was playing there first.” And as you sat in the only other swing (as an adult), I’m sorry I didn’t thank you profusely for reluctantly getting up to let my son swing – because we all know how put out we feel to give up something to a child.

I’m sorry I didn’t feel like striking up conversation despite your belligerent attitude, because I too was annoyed. I too don’t like seeing my son bully another child (albeit one four years older than him), but instead of walking away and taking the easy road, I stayed and disciplined my child – explaining we use words like “excuse me” and “are you done swinging.” Because again, he’s three and has limited words in his brain – and I guarantee 90% of those involve trucks and cars – which means my job is to keep teaching him how to communicate with others on a daily basis.

I’m sorry that today happens to be daylight savings, and while it’s not an excuse, it’s pretty much an unspoken rule that all parents and kids get a free pass that day – cuz we all know it brings out the crazies.

I’m sorry for being overdressed at the park. Because on any other day you would catch me in the same exact workout top and pants as you with my hair in a pony tail. But today we just so happened to make the most of our morning, dragging ourselves out of the house before 9am on a weekend to enjoy Cars & Coffee. So forgive me for being a little too eager to put on a real outfit (All Saints boots, Madewell skinny jeans, Who What Wear chambray top, and Saks bday hat), because it finally wasn’t 90 degrees and I promised we’d take Garrett to a park on our way home.

And lastly, I’m sorry I laughed out loud when your son informed you while sitting on your lap “I’m gonna poo-poo on you” to which you slapped his hand. I actually thought about trying to bond with you over our son’s apparent obsessions with working “poo” and “poop” into everyday conversation like it’s their job, but I guess I just didn’t feel like small talk.

But then, just as quickly as the “Swing Debacle of 2016” came to be – you were gone with your two boys and I never had the chance to really say I’m sorry. Because I was. Because all snarkiness aside, we are all in this mamahood stuff together and we are all allowed a bad day, free pass, or just a non-judging eye when we need it most. Because what kind of mom would I be if I held a grudge when you clearly were just trying to enjoy a nice swing at the park with your two sons, before my toddler interrupted.

So when the uber-friendly dad with two boys came up after, joking with us about the critical talent for swinging two kids on two different swings at the same time, a funny thing happened. I felt the need to pay it forward, because I know that’s what Judgy Mom would have wanted. I looked over at the mom who had just walked up with her young son of five or six waiting patiently for the oh-so-sought after “car seat” swings as Garrett calls them (you know the big green ones that are actually for special needs kids). I told Garrett it was time to give him a turn, and he didn’t protest a bit. The mom didn’t speak much English but was very grateful, which made me smile and think – the next time someone gets under your skin, vent about it or do whatever you need to do to get over it, and then do the opposite for someone else. I bet you’ll leave there feeling less judged. And we all could use a little less judgement these days.

 

Some snaps I took at Cars & Coffee and our Mommy & Me breakfast date at La Madeleine – pre-park swing debacle 😉

Sunset Hill Tree Farm: All in the Family

I never thought I could love fall, and October in particular, more than I did when I was a kid. But then I had my own kid and it’s like fall has taken on a whole new meaning. Primarily a new found love for pumpkin patches. I mean seriously, who knew plopping a baby down on a field full of pumpkins could be so stinkin’ cute? Now that my son’s a little older, we get to enjoy more things like hayrides, petting zoos, etc. which is what we found after stumbling upon Sunset Hill Tree Farm. We literally just mentioned it in passing when visiting my father-in-law in Alvarado, TX a few weeks back – and turns out, he knows the man who owns the farm. He told us the story about how he helped fetch him and his lawn mower out of the mud last Spring. After a good laugh I imagine, they got to talking about how Duane (the husband) and his family have been running a Christmas tree farm and pumpkin patch for the past several years – and invited my father-in-law to stop by. These are the kinds of good country folk who make us so proud to be back in our home state.

So we piled into the Jeep and headed down the sweetest country road you ever did see. When we got there, we realized it was about 20 min before closing, but they could not have been any more welcoming. It was quite the departure from last year’s pumpkin patch excursion to Tapia Bros Farm, where literally everyone in LA descends on the valley for a glimpse at the “country” life. This year, we literally had the run of the place and it was pretty dang picture perfect. I almost felt embarrassed at how many pictures I kept taking (almost), but when you get the chance to see your son soaking up real life on a farm – it just was too good not to capture. So if you live in the DFW area, it’s only about an hour from Dallas and 45 min from Ft. Worth. There’s one last weekend left to make it there this month, and if you can’t squeeze it in then be sure to make it out to their Olde Tyme Christmas & Hayride the first Saturday after Thanksgiving. See ya’ll there!

 

Mom Jean Confessions: Neither Here Nor There

As much as I would love to write a typical fashion post (don’t worry, I’m rounding up my “currently coveting” vest trends as we speak), there’s just something more pressing that’s been weighing on me for a while now. It’s this notion that nothing is ever good enough – and here’s what I mean by that…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with wanting and needing more. So much so, that my dad used to tell me growing up, “don’t try so hard to keep up with the Jones’s (or the Kardashians as it turns out), because you’ll never be satisfied that way.” I literally had no idea what he was talking about, but my dad knew and understood me better than anyone, and even he could tell that I was a restless soul – always wanting, never satisfied with what was right in front of me. With his passing, I definitely gained a new perspective on life that he was so desperately trying to help me find, but I often still find myself longing for that greener grass on the other side of the fence.